Final Fantasy Tactics: WHO CARES!
by RedSunEternal
Summary: A humorous rewrite of the FFT storyline. Many crazy hijinks and adventures.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue – Final Fantasy Tactics: WHO CARES!**  
RSE - I am RSE. A scholar of ancient Ivalice history.  
Everybody - Boooooooooooo! Get off the stage!  
RSE - SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!  
Everybody - shuts up and sits down  
RSE - Now, as I was saying, a very long time ago in a war known as the 50 Years War, wait, I forgot NO ONE CARES. Ramza hurry up and show them what it was like. I'm hungry.  
Ramza - OK... well let's go!  
at the church  
Princess - God, please don't let us die! I don't want to die! I'm too young to die!  
Simon - slaps her Snap out of it! No one is going to die!  
Sephiroth - They will if I can help it...  
Agrias - Quiet! All of you! Princess, we need to leave.  
Gafgarion, Rad, and Ramza enter  
Gafgarion - What the hell is taking so damn long? We've been waiting nearly an hour!  
Agrias - Silence Gafgarion, you rude knave! We leave when the princess commands!  
Gafgarion - ... SHE'S TOO SCARED TOO MOVE! And the enemy isn't even here yet!  
Agrias - Don't be rude to the Princess, Gafgarion!  
Gafgarion - Or what?  
Agrias - Or you won't get paid!  
Gafgarion shuts up and a wounded knight enters  
Knight - Lady Agrias, the enemy...  
Princess - I knew it! We really are all gonna die! AHHHHHH! thump  
Gafgarion - I think she fainted... let's go! stops What's wrong Ramza? You looked stoned.  
Ramza - Huh? Wha? What's going on? Oh, no I'm fine.  
Gafgarion - Right... Well then let's go kill some people.  
Sephiroth - Yay!  
Sephiroth runs outside and the others follow. They find 3 archers, a knight, a chemist, and a summoner  
Ramza - WHAT? They have a summoner! No fair!  
RSE - Tough. You have Sephiroth so I had to make it sort of balanced somehow.  
Ramza - Oh yeah...  
Battle starts  
Sephiroth - Let's kill them all! Weeeeeeeeeee!  
Gafgarion - Yeah, what he said...  
Gafgarion moves forward and uses Knight Blade on one of the archers  
Archer - Owie! Wahaaahaaa! runs off crying  
Sephiroth - My turn! slices the summoner in half from where he was standing originally with his huge masamune  
Everyone - ... Weak...  
Sephiroth - Bwahahahahahahahaha! kills one of the archers  
Rad - Hey! I had dibs on that one!  
Sephiroth - Tough .  
Agrias kills the chemist with Stasis Sword and then Ramza uses Crush punch and kills the remaining archers  
Ramza - Bwahahahaha! PH34R T3H GAMESHARK! I mean um... I hate cheaters...  
RSE - Right. Wait, where are we? Oh oops. You're not supposed to start here, so back you go!  
Ramza - What? We did all this for nothing!  
RSE - Yep! Sorry 'bout that. Oh well you just won't have to do this battle when you get here. Now, off to the academy with you!  
Ramza - But we already know I make it to here at least!  
RSE - I don't care, and besides, you missed crucial plot information.  
Ramza - ... I hate you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Final Fantasy Tactics: WHO CARES ! - Chapter 1!**  
RSE - Blah, Blah Blah, Lots of thieves and rebels, blah, blah blah, rebellion blah, blah blah, many knights and wizards blah, blah blah, Gariland no exception. This script makes no sense. Oh huh? What? I'm on? Um... oops. YOU NEVER HEARD THAT! uses Jedi mind trick Whew that was close.  
Everybody - That didn't work...  
RSE - Shhhh. The story is starting.  
Kids are standing about talking in the Academy  
Kid - Did you hear? Another liek wagon train was like attacked! OMG!1!  
Ramza - Die n00b! uses Bolt3 killing the whole crowd of n00bs  
Delita - That was a bit much. Besides they were talking about Marquis Elmdoor of Limberry coming to town.  
Ramza - You got all that from that one n00b sentence?  
Delita - No, I'm just omnipotent.  
Ramza - Oh. (What's omnipotent?)  
Knight enters  
Knight - sounding very drunk Hehehe... Alright caadets yare gonna gard da cassle. Ya've got gard duty. Hehehehe I said doo-ty. Hahahahahaha.  
Female knight enters and whispers something to the knight  
Knight - Huh? Oh. Caadets! Ya've got to get rid o' some passes out  
Female knight smacks him awake  
Knight - Ow! Oh, right. Go ge' rid of some thieves 'cause I'm t00 drunk...passes out again  
Exeunt. Outside they find 4 thieves and 1 chemist  
Ramza - Um... Surrender or we will kill you!  
Thief - What's a bunch of lil' punks like you gonna do about it?  
Delita - Careful Ramza! Don't rush them!  
Ramza - Delita stop being such a condescending ass. I am a Beoulve you know!  
Thief - Beoulve? THE Beoulve family? You must be the cadets from the academy! You damn little rich kids! We gonna kill you and take all your money!  
Ramza - Shut the up! Ph34r my 1337 skillz!  
The battle starts and Ramza uses Holy Explosion on the thief, instantly killing him  
Thieves - WTF! You damn cheater! Everyone kill that guy!  
A thief slashes Ramza doing 5 dmg  
Thief - Yeah, I bet you don't think you're so good now, huh? Hahahahaha!  
Delita stabs him in the lung from behind  
Delita - What a n00b...  
And so the battle continued rather one-sidedly until only the chemist remained  
Ramza - Why don't you just surrender?  
Chemist - NEVAR! throws an empty potion bottle at Ramza  
Ramza - OW! That hit my head you bastard!  
Two squires throw rocks at the chemist, hitting his eyes  
Chemist - ARRRRGGGHHH! dies  
Battle ends and the heroes receive 4,500 gil and a Mythril number  
Ramza - Um... yay? We got 4,500 for THAT?  
RSE - Don't worry. There's nothing good to spend it on for a long time.  
Ramza - ... I really hate you.  
RSE - picks Ramza up What did you say?  
Ramza - Nothing! I swear! I just said you were a good narrator!  
RSE - ... throws him against a wall Bwahahaha!  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Sephiroth - Hey! I wasn't in this one!  
RSE - That's because you're too damn powerful.  
Sephiroth - Oh. kills random people Weeeeeee!

**Earlier that year!**  
Having attained the highest rank of Heavenly Knight,  
brave Balbanes was facing his last days...  
The end of the 50 Year War; The Beoulve Residence  
Balbanes: How goes...the battle?  
Zalbag: We kicked their asses out of Limberry and they should retreat like the pansies they are soon.  
Lord Dycedarg: Count Lenario has agreed to your plan.  
Balbanes: Good...then, at last... this long war... will  
finally come to an end.  
Alma: Father...  
Alma starts to cry.  
Balbanes: What the hell are you crying about? I'm the one who's dying.  
Zalbag: Where is Ramza? That slacker is probably smoking weed in the bathroom.  
Balbanes: Dycedarg, Zalbag I want you to put Ramza into rehab before he goes to the academy in the spring... he smokes that stuff too much.  
Ramza comes in running into the room, his eyes are bloodshot and puffy  
Ramza: Daddy! hugs Dycedarg  
Dycedarg: WTF? I'm not him! He's in the bed dying you asshole.  
Balbanes: Dycedarg don't be so harsh with him. He's to high to be able to tell.  
Ramza: Daddy...  
Balbanes: It's been a while... were you too high to visit your father?  
Ramza: ...  
Balbanes: Ramza... I'm having Dycedarg and Zalbag send you to a rehab center.  
Ramza: What? NOOOOOOOOO!  
Balbanes: No whining. I won't allow you to shame our name u damn druggie.  
Ramza: Y, yes...father...  
Balbanes: Now, take good care of Alma... Become a fine knight...  
Ramza.  
Balbanes dies.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2!**

Inside Igros Castle  
Dycedarg: ...I hear you beat the first troops. That's surprising considering you are such a wuss. I can't believe you are Father's son...  
Ramza: ... You bastard.  
Dycedarg: What did you call me? slices Ramza  
Ramza: ARGH! uses Flare and misses WTF!  
Dycedarg: BWAHAHAHA!  
Algus stands up  
Algus: Highn355! P13453 l3t m3 h4v3 1000 s0ldi3r5!  
Dycedarg: ...  
Algus: I b3g j00. L3t m3 4v3ng3 my c0mr4d35 murd3r!  
Dycedarg: I would never give such a n00b even 1 soldier.  
Algus: B..u7!  
Dycedarg: You haven't even become a knight yet... NOW DIE! burns Algus with Fire 3  
Algus: ARGHH!  
Algus dies  
Dycedarg: Guard the castle. You are to useless to do anything else.  
Exeunt Ramza and Delita carrying Algus's dead body


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3! Sweegy Woods Lame!  
RSE - Right. Well, it seems I skipped some "crucial plotline". Pssh. Miraculously, no one cares. What really happened for those of you that care, is that they were told to guard Igros Castle. But since they're cool they decided that the job was lame and so they didn't.  
Ramza - And you wonder why I hate you...  
RSE - FINE! THAT'S IT! flings Ramza into a group of Teletubbies  
Ramza - OH GOD NO! AHHH! AHHH! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I won't do it again! begins sobbing  
RSE - Damn right! And if you do it again... Michael Jackson! Now go kill some monsters dammit!  
And so Ramza runs away through Mandalia plains so fast that the monsters don't have time to attack him. Proceeding into Gariland they buy 99 of every item and weapon and armor. Next they kill the shopkeeper to avoid paying  
Ramza - Ha! He actually thought I'd give him some of my infinite money! What a loser.  
Next they head to the pub to get Delita, who they find is drunk and has started a bar fight.  
Ramza - Not again... Come on Delita. We're leaving now.  
Random drunk guy - Hey! He spilled beer on me! I'm gonna kick his ass!  
Ramza throws an axe into the guy's face  
Sephiroth - Oooh! Fun! More killing! He starts killing everyone else  
Ifrit - Meow!  
RSE - WTF? Wrong fanfic! Bad Ifrit! Squirts Ifrit with a water bottle Bad kitty!  
Ramza - Um... Let's go before Sephiroth runs out of things to kill.  
Algus - I'll go with you! I'm gonna pwn me some monsters!  
Ramza - You couldn't even pwn a goblin's toe!  
Algus - runs off and cries  
Exeunt!  
RSE - After the scene at the bar, I've decided to censor this fanfic.  
Everyone - Boo! You suck! RSE gets stoned unconscious  
Ramza - Well... YES! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now I can take over!  
RSE - wakes up I heard that! Do you want to meet Michael Jackson?  
Ramza - AH! Noooooooooooooooo!  
RSE - That's what I thought. teleports everyone to Sweegy Woods Now fight these monsters already.  
Ramza - ARG! More damn monsters! stabs Algus to death  
RSE - revives Algus  
Ramza - WHY!  
RSE - He's crucial to the plot later on.  
Ramza - Dammit!  
Battle Start! Zwitter plays!  
Ramza - Yes! Awesome battle music!  
Rammstein appears  
Rammstein - No stealing our music! they bash Ramza with their instruments  
Ramza - crumples into a heap ...pain...  
Rammstein stops and the band disappears  
the monsters all move closer  
Ramza - What? Oh right, the battle! slice's the nearest goblin's face off  
Goblin - OH GOD! F! THAT HURT! Damn you! counter attacks misses horribly and kills another goblin  
Dancer - Whee! Wiznaibus! Randomly does 999 dmg to all the monsters  
RSE - 0o. That's just scary. Not only does it make no sense... you DANCE'd them to death.  
Battle End!  
-------------------------------------------------  
meanwhile in Gariland  
Sephiroth - Ooh! More people to kill! runs off  
RSE - Um... yeah. Sephiroth just killed everyone in Gariland. So... no existing for them!


	5. Chapter 5

**FFT Fanfic Chapter 4! - The really damn hard battle! But not for me!**  
RSE - Having defeated the monsters in Sweegy Woods, and Sephiroth having killed everyone in Gariland, they headed to Dorter Trade City. They didn't actually want to, but I forced them to anyway. When they got there, a welcoming commitee was waiting!  
Welcoming Commitee - Welcome to Dorter! Buy our stuff!  
RSE - No! Not that kind of welcoming commitee, the OTHER kind.  
Ramza - The kind where you pay for their company?  
RSE - ... You wish. No, the kind that I payed to... I mean the kind that wants to kill you for no reason. Yeah...  
--------------------------  
Knight guy - Where is he?  
Thief - Who?  
Knight guy - stabs the thief You know who!  
Thief - OW! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? sobs Oh look people are coming!  
Knight guy - Where? turns around to look  
Thief - Runs away Ahahahaha stupid!  
Knight guy - Crap... You guys handle them, I'll get the thief.  
Battle Start!  
Ramza - WTF! We just got here!  
RSE - Exactly. Now go get pwn'd.  
Ramza - Dammit! That means I have to get shot! Oh wait! I know! Hey, knight, come over here. The knight walks over See that archer up? He called your mom fat.  
Knight - What! RARH! The knight runs up the building  
Ramza - Good meat shield. I mean knight.  
Battle Change! GunBound Style!  
Ramza - Damn you RSE!  
RSE - BWAHAHAHAHA! Let's see here. Ramza, you get... a turtle; the archers get boomers; the mage gets... wow! A mage; Algus gets t3h n00b t4nk, I mean Bigfoot; Delita, you get... a Dragon.  
Delita - Damn right! Pwnzage!  
Battle Resume  
Archer - Ima pwn j00 n00bs! misses because of a wind change I meant to do that.  
Ramza - Sure you did. My turn! Turtle Piss Cannon! Fire! Dual shots the archer and kills him  
Archer - Hacker! Ima report j00!  
Delita - Damn n00bs, time for dragon! dual shots the mage uber raping it to death  
Algus - Y4y! My 7urn! fires and one of the four missiles actually hits W007!  
Ramza - My turn again. Bwahahaha! And Algus... you suck so badly I hate you. pwns the last archer  
Battle End  
RSE - Dammit! My minions! I mean... yay you won...  
Sephiroth arrives  
Sephiroth - Whaddid I miss?  
RSE - They killed everyone.  
Sephiroth - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! runs away screaming  
RSE - Poor Sephy... he didn't get to kill anyone this chapter...  
EXEUNT'D'ED'IFIED!


End file.
